Familiarity breeds Contempt - by SIMBARASHE NGUNDU (a.k.a Simba-the-POET)

So I have decided to talk about why people end up losing interest in each other after some time being in their relationship. It can be any type of relationship, it can be friendship, love, even in a family relationship people can sometimes detest each other.

So i'm gonna be telling you about how this feeling of detest later comes about in a relationship and probably will talk about how we can avoid it. Hope I will be able to help somebody out there.

So, how does detest come about in our relationships with people. I have come to realize that detest comes about because of familiarity among people.

First I will define familiarity as according to the dictionary, familiarity- is relaxed friendliness or intimacy between people; you could also simply say it is close acquaintance with or knowledge of something.

To use as an example let’s say right now you are still working on your career and you are really wishing to drive that Toyota Corolla that you have seen your lecturer driving, but after you have managed to buy it you will then find yourself wishing a Benz AMG, and after the AMG you will be wishing for that Rolls-Royce and it goes on and on.

Now why is that so, it’s because of familiarity. Once you become familiar with your car you will start to wish for another one. Once you have succeeded in something you will start to aim something else. It’s all because you are not yet satisfied with what you got and this happens in relationships. Before meeting someone you will be so attracted to them, but after you have gotten close to them you will start to lose interest. You will be quite shocked of how interested you were to that person before. So how has this disinterest come about?

It has come about because of familiarity. What has happened is that you now know every bit and piece of that person, you now know all their secrets, all their fears and so much more. So what happens is that when you get familiar with your other friend you then start to disrespect them until there is contempt between you two. When we get familiar with each other we will definitely lack respect and appreciation.

People’s intuition is that learning more about a new acquaintance will lead to greater liking. In fact, on average, we like other people less the more we know about them. It’s all because we are too comfortable when it comes to those we know very well and this makes us reckless in the way we treat them. We often rather find the strangers more attractive than our closest acquaintances, but when we try to get close to those strangers we will get a disliking for them. It’s all because of familiarity. However not all relationships become victims of familiarity.

So how do we deal with familiarity so that we can secure our relationships with people?
When it comes to getting the most out of relationships, whether personal, professional, or more broadly social, contempt is a death knell. It is the bottom of a slippery slope that if we fail to keep ourselves out of, can ruin any chance of ever fully enjoying our lives and relationships again. It takes real effort and courage not to allow the contempt that is bred by familiarity to override the remembering of and gratitude for the gifts that a relationship offers.

In fact, we must fight contempt at every turn, lest it trap us in the bondage of our own ego and a spiral of ever increasing cynicism. When we allow ourselves in any relationship to let the imperfections, or characteristics, behaviors, likes, and dislikes that bother us in the other build up in our emotional databank, it reduces the space for new positive experiences and likes to come in. Unfortunately, what most do when they realize the relationship is no longer feeding them, they blame the other with their list of shortcomings, and then move on to the next inevitable target of eventual contempt.

According to Jon Rasmussen the slippery slope of these relationships without the effort to keep our emotional databank filled with gratitude and appreciation follows this progression:

Elation – Enthusiasm – Confidence – Caution – Suspicion – Doubt – Contempt

The daily practices of shedding the ego and attachment, our pedigree and credentials, and all of the information and sacred cows that we have stuffed in our heads, allow knowledge to channel through us as we recover our childlike nature every day. Building someone up and putting them on a pedestal, a form of positive shadow, is a sure fire way to set yourself up for contempt as that person inevitably disappoints and falls from the pedestal as more of the messy human nature that dwells within everyone begins to leak out.

It is possible to admire, be inspired by, learn from, and be helped by someone that is special to you, while at the same time acknowledging their imperfections.

This is also where the North wisdom teaching suggesting that you don’t confuse the teacher with the teaching, the healer with the healing, or the shaman with the empowerment comes into play. We could extend that to not confusing the lover with the love, the friend with the support, the gift with the wrapper, and of course don’t judge a book by its cover.

It’s worth contemplating this powerful quote from Alice Miller – “Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one’s own despised and unwanted feelings.”

Ask what or who you have contempt for, even the most subtle, then explore what despised or unwanted feelings may be driving it. Then work towards shedding and healing that form of victimization or giving away of power.

Then the original love, gratitude, and appreciation for that person is renewed, and your ability to receive their gifts is returned. This is a path back to the state of unconditional loving, giving, and receiving – our true childlike nature.

I hope I made sense and I also hope that opened someone’s eyes out there.

Thank you for your time……

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Written by  Simbarashe Ngundu
A.k.a Simba-the-POET(ZW)